Nothing will change, unless something changes

An Update!

On Dec 19, I had an appointment with my endocrinologist.  Everything seemed typical: I signed in, was called to the back, had my temperature and blood pressure taken, and stepped on the scale.  Then, what should have been a painless part of the process was suddenly and dramatically relevant–I had gained almost 20 pounds since my last appointment three months prior.  I was shocked – I had no idea that I had put on that much weight.  My endocrinologist was surprised too.  Along with my typical blood work to check my prolactin levels, he wanted to check my thyroid function as well, to rule out the possibility that thyroid dysfunction was causing me to gain weight.  I was frustrated and confused.  How could I have gained 20 pounds?  I ate well, didn’t I?  I was trying to get more exercise, wasn’t I?  I was focused on my health, right?

After just a couple of days, I received the results of my blood work; it’s good news!  My prolactin level is down to 14.3 (down from 18 three months before) and my thyroid function is normal. 

But now I am left with the reality of the situation: my efforts at getting healthy and losing weight amounted to little more than a constant anxiety and a string of ups and downs, which ultimately led me to be less healthy than before.  I am extremely grateful that my thyroid is functioning normally and that it wasn’t “something else” causing new health problems.  The idea of more tests and the possibility of more medication is uncomfortable to say the least.  But I received a valuable reality check from this experience – just because it wasn’t “something else” this time doesn’t mean it won’t be next time.  If I don’t get my act together and make some changes, I very well might end up with “something else” to tackle in the future.  I don’t want it to take one reality check too many before I start taking my health seriously.  

So now is the time to make changes, because without that conscious action on my part, nothing will ever change.

 

Sometimes you just have to hit “Reset”

Home.  Work.  Health.  Relationships.  Family.  Friends.  Finances.  It is so easy in today’s world, with so much to juggle, for things to fall out of balance.  I won’t give you details and examples, because I know you see it every day in your own life and the lives of those around you.  And I won’t go into detail about the virtues of balance, because that deserves a whole post of it’s own.  Let’s just leave it at this: I’m pretty sure balance is the secret to life.  Which also highlights the importance of the “Reset” button, which I call upon whenever I find things have fallen too far in any one direction.

My “Reset” process always starts with cleaning the house.  I know that everyone has different priorities, but I find that I can’t clear my head and organize my thoughts unless the space around me is clear and organized.  And the process of cleaning the house is meditative for me–I find that as I tidy and scrub, step by step, my mind and body relax and allow me to see things from a new perspective.

It’s also helpful to have a good understanding of your current situation.  So to recap, here’s mine:  I have a good life.  I have a decent apartment, a fluffy kitty, a steady job, a lovely boyfriend, and wonderful friends and family.  Most aspects of my life are strong, positive, and nourishing.  The one thing that has continued to stand out as a major negative aspect of my life, is my health.  My concerns with my health can be broken down into two categories: 1) I have a pituitary adenoma, a tumor that causes hormonal imbalance.  Not much has changed on this front–I continue to take medication daily in the hopes that the tumor will shrink and eventually disappear.  I have an appointment on Dec 19th to check my progress.  And 2) I have back, knee, and foot pain and chronic fatigue.  I have been struggling with this for five or six years, obviously it is very discouraging.  But it is also within my control to research and treat, and to seek out professionals as I see fit.  It is to both of these issues that I have dedicated this blog, to chronicle my journey of healing.

In the spirit of the “Reset” button, I won’t dwell on my past failures and frustrations, or complain about old habits that die hard.  You probably know that story by heart anyway.  Instead, I am taking this opportunity to look to the future, regain my focus, and make a plan.  I have joined a Get-Healthy Challenge (see http://everythingerica.com/2013/11/11/get-healthy-before-new-years-challenge/) to give me a way to track my healthy habits and find peer support.  I have started working out again with my boyfriend as my guide (yay me! If you knew how hard he makes me work, you’d cheer too).  I have been going to a chiropractor twice a week, and a bodywork massage specialist about once a month and I think these appointments are helping.  And now, finally, I have started blogging again, giving me some outside accountability and motivation to keep learning and sharing.  Honestly, I feel completely ready to move forward.

Ready, and….. RESET

Thank you for following my story.  I look forward to sharing more with you soon.

Get Healthy BEFORE New Years Challenge

Hey everyone! Sorry about the long silence. I have been stuck in that typical cycle of motivation-planning-starting-withdrawing that so many of us struggle with. If you are in the same boat as I am, consider checking out this challenge by EverythingErica. I joined, and I know several others who have joined, and it’s a great opportunity for us all to come together and support each other as we try to make healthy changes. Hope to see you there!

Get Healthy BEFORE New Years Challenge.

Progress

According to my endocrinologist, there is nothing that I can do to help myself heal.  According to him, my only choice is to wait for the medication to slowly (yet uncertainly) battle the tumor near my pituitary gland.

I don’t believe this for a moment.

I believe that there are several things that anyone can do to improve their health, no matter what their situation.  The basics are extremely important: eating right, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and avoiding harmful substances set the foundation for overall health and wellness.  This has been my focus for the past few months, and will continue to be my focus as I track my progress.

And…. I am making progress!  At my most recent endocrinologist’s appointment, my prolactin level measured below 20!  This means that it is within the normal reference range for the first time in who-knows-how long.  I am keeping my medication at it’s current dosage at the endocrinologist’s request.  We are hoping that the level continues to drop–the lower the better.  Also good news: the medication (bromocriptine) isn’t bothering me as much as it used to.  I take it right before bed, and I usually don’t notice any side effects.

All is going well.  Full speed ahead!

Find your truth

Recently something happened that stopped me in my tracks.

I was engaged in my usual mental competition – an anxious and forsaken voice was informing me that things would never change and I would feel terrible forever, while a tiny hopeful voice was encouraging me to stick things out and work harder to make life better.  This is a familiar conversation, usually never ending, while each voice talks over the other in order to be heard, and I grow weary and wish I could just stop listening.

But then it happened.  I just heard, very calmly and clearly, my truth.  It was two sentences, and it summed up everything I needed to know about myself, my life, and my future.

Interestingly enough, I had heard the same words before.  In fact, I had composed them myself, in my head, at a time when I was seeking a mantra to cope with my anxiety.  And now, just like then, the words reached me like nothing else could, calming my nerves and bringing me back to the present.  It has made such a difference in how I see and handle my life, so I encourage you too, to seek your truth.

What is “Your Truth?”  I don’t know.  It is unique to each individual.  It may a paragraph, a phrase, or only a word.  It may be a poem, or a song.  It may be a melody without words, or an image, or a place.  Only you can know what your truth is.

I can tell you what your truth is NOT.  It is not an affirmation.  It isn’t something that you need to tell yourself over and over again to make it stick – you will know the truth of your truth.  It is not a requirement or a guideline.  It doesn’t demand that you make changes or stick to goals in order for it to be true, it just is.  It is not fleeting.  It is a deep, profound realization that you know to be lasting and genuine.

You may find your truth through your spirituality or religion.  You may find your truth while out walking, or while stuck in rush-hour traffic.  You may find your truth while you are alone, or while you are surrounded by people.  You may find it in a book.  You may learn it from a teacher or mentor.  You may, like me, find your truth within the clatter of words inside your head.

You may recognize it right away, it may stop you in your tracks or take your breath away.  Or it may take days, months, years, to make itself known as a great and powerful truth of your life.  Still, don’t be afraid to seek your truth.  The journey is worthwhile.  And remember, you may not recognize it right away, but if it is really your truth, it will come back to you.

A different street

Well, my friends, it has happened again.  It’s a pattern that we all know too well.  We have goals, we get motivated, we make plans, we get started, we get distracted, we get discouraged, we let it all go.  Repeat.

I was exercising more than I have in 8 years.  I was eating healthier than I ever have.  I was losing weight, and I was feeling good.  But I fell off the wagon.  Now I’m tired most of the time.  My body hurts.  I’ve been eating cookie dough for dinner.  I don’t feel like enjoying the beautiful weather that’s coming with the change of seasons.  I watch a lot of TV.  And I hate this.  So I will try again.

It makes me feel like I’m starting over from the very beginning.  But the truth is, I’m not.  I have these experiences behind me to motivate me and to learn from.  And although it is discouraging to think of the number of times this cycle has repeated, I can’t let that get me down.  Because if I do, I will never start again, and that is a guaranteed way to make sure that nothing ever changes.

How do I know that this time will be different?  I don’t.  But I know with utmost certainty that nothing will change if I don’t try again; I know that the only way to open myself up to the possibility of real and lifelong changes, is to try again.  So here I go.

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters 
a poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book
There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

Taking my own advice

My last blog post was a bit of advice about sharing your troubles and triumphs and seeking out a network of support.  I don’t give advice very often, so when I do, I make sure it is something worth listening to.  Since I know that this last bit of advice was valuable, I am taking it upon myself to follow it, and to reach out to you, dear reader, for support.

First–my triumphs!  After my vacation to Texas, Colorado, and Utah, it took at least another three weeks for me to add any semblance of exercise back into my routine.  As each day passed, then each week, I felt more and more discouraged.  How was I ever going to get back on track?  How much progress had I lost?  What was going to happen when I tried that first push-up or set out to run that first mile?  Then something happened that forced me to get started: I tried on my bridesmaid’s dress for my friend’s upcoming wedding, only to discover that it didn’t fit.  I was devastated.  Had I really put on that much weight in those few weeks?  And what was I going to do?  The wedding was five weeks away!  Of course, my dear sweet friend/boyfriend/personal trainer was there by my side.  He said (and still says, even though there are only four weeks remaining), that with a little hard work I will look and feel great in that dress.  But I had to get started.  So one day I set out to run the mile-long loop near my house, expecting disaster.  And you know what?  I ran that whole mile.  Bam.  I was shocked, and proud.  I was not starting back at square one!  Hooray!  I have since done a few short workouts and am still feeling a profound sense of relief that I am not starting over from scratch.

And now, my troubles.  Although I have done a few workouts, my exercise routines are not as strong as they were.  I don’t have the same mentality and focus that I had before.  I find myself trying to postpone my workouts, and make up excuses or reasons avoid them.  In addition, my healthy eating habits are still struggling to recover from my vacation, and I know I need to make that change if I’m going to reach my goal of fitting in that dress in four weeks.

So I’m reaching out to you, dear friends, with the hope that you can give some suggestions or advice or insight or motivation to help me stay on track and keep making changes for the better.  What helps you make that initial jump?  What helps you stay focused and committed?  What keeps you going when the going gets tough?

I greatly appreciate your suggestions and inspiration.  Thank you for all your love and support!!

Share your troubles, share your triumphs

I want to first send out a giant thank you to everyone who is reading my blog, and for all the encouragement and support that I have received.  It has been a huge help for me to be able to share my story with you.  It feels like I have a network of supporters backing me up, and I feel more accountable for following through with my goals because I don’t want to let you down.

I want to encourage you to share your own experiences with someone.  I know that this world can seem to isolate you and make you feel like your problems are silly or your achievements are insignificant.  Let me be the first to tell you–they’re not.  The trick is simply to find the right person or people to share with.  

Hopefully you have a supportive network of family and friends–start there.  Describe what you’re going through and why it’s causing you distress.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Be specific.  And keep the conversation going–let your friend(s) know how things change and develop for you, including how things change for the better.

If you confide in someone and they don’t respond well, try not to be discouraged.  That person has their own set of stresses and concerns, and it may not be the right time for them to hear what you have to say.  Try again.  Ask a different friend or family member.  Make sure that you reciprocate and are responsive to their concerns; demonstrate compassionate listening and perhaps they will respond in kind.

If you are having a difficult time confiding in your family or friends, or if you have a specific concern that those closest to you can’t relate to, there are other ways to seek support.  Try looking for an online support group.  Or look in your community for groups or individuals with similar situations or interests.  Can you confide in your yoga teacher?  How about your dentist?  Try a doctor or a therapist.  Or you could post anonymously online on a live journal or help forum.  You could always write a blog.

But for your sake, try it.  Seek that support.  Don’t underestimate the value of a listening ear or an encouraging word.  Keep looking for that person who will say, “I understand” or “I believe in you.”  It has made a huge difference for me, and maybe it will for you, too.  Maybe it will give you that little boost or continued motivation that you need to make a change.  It is never too late to change your life for the better.

Gratitude

It has been in the back of my mind to write about gratitude for some time now, but recently something happened that brought the subject straight to the front of the line.

I just spent a week and a half travelling in Texas, Colorado, and Utah.  The most notable event, of course, was my sister’s wedding, which was beautiful and full of love, as a wedding should be.  The day before the wedding, while attending the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, it became increasingly clear to me that I was having an allergic reaction.  My face was breaking out in a red, bumpy, itchy rash.  It started as a couple patches of dry skin, but eventually spread over my nose, chin, both cheeks, and onto my eyelids.  And it itched BAD.

Now, this is inconvenient enough given that I was on vacation AND about to be a bridesmaid and have hundreds of pictures taken of me.  But on top of that was the uncertainty of what I was reacting to, the concern that it was related to the medication I’m taking, and the apprehension about what steps to take.  I have never had a reaction like this before, and I hadn’t done anything super unusual that I could blame.  Sure, I was using a different sunscreen, and drinking a different brand of vitamin water, but I couldn’t really identify anything as the culprit.  I did some internet research on allergic reactions and bromocriptine, wondering if it perhaps the medication has reacted with something.  All I found were multiple cautions and warnings, urging me to “Seek Medical Attention Immediately” and other such terrifying advice.  Although I was very concerned about it, I eventually came to the conclusion that these warnings were for individuals who were reacting TO the bromocriptine.  I knew that I wasn’t in that category because I had been on the medication for several months.

So I didn’t seek medical attention immediately, I just used a lot of cortisone cream and took a lot of Benadryl, and I layered on the makeup for the wedding.  The rash began to fade as quickly as it came, and after a few more days it disappeared.

It came and it went in about a week, and it didn’t cause any real damage, but it was this brief discomfort that brought to my attention all the things that are NOT wrong with me.  For example, my rash went away.  I do not have a chronic allergy or skin condition.  Isn’t that awesome?  Yes, I have a prolactinoma.  Yes, I have various aches and pains and weaknesses that cause me discomfort and distress.  But I also have two functioning arms and two functioning legs.  I have my eyesight, I have my hearing.  I don’t have kidney failure, I don’t have cancer, I don’t have schizophrenia, I don’t even have insomnia.  I have a whole, functioning, and pretty darn healthy body, and I have the ability to face the world each day with a smile on my face.

Now, I’m not saying that I am somehow better than those who are afflicted by any of the conditions that I just mentioned.  In fact, quite the opposite.  If you are suffering from any serious health condition that is painful or dangerous or limiting, you must be incredibly brave and strong, and I admire you.  I am saying that each individual has a specific set of conditions in life, and therefor a specific set of things to be grateful for.  If you don’t often take time to sit and think about yours, try it.  You might find that you are wealthier or luckier than you ever imagined.

Here are just a few of the things that I am most grateful for.  If I tried to give you a complete list, we would be here for days, for I have realized how incredibly fortunate I am.  I am grateful for:

My health.  For the ability to get out of bed each and every day.  To not be in a hospital.  To have a straightforward, effective, and affordable treatment for my condition.  For the availability of fresh, nourishing food and clear, clean water.

Safety and comfort.  For my apartment, and my kitty.  For sleeping in peace at night without fear.  For hot water, heating units, and air conditioning.  For my car and the freedom it provides.

Family and friends.  For love and loyalty and friendship and support.  For fun and laughter and spontaneity.  For good times and bad.

And finally, for my sister’s wedding — the breathtaking beauty of the Rocky Mountains, the purity of a lifelong union between two people in love, and celebrating with family and friends from all over the country.

Take a few minutes and think about it.  What do you have to be grateful for?

An Update

Hello dear reader,

I apologize for the long stretch between posts.  I am hoping to start writing more often and I hope you will continue to follow my journey.  It is so valuable for me to have your support and the accountability of sharing my story with you.

Let’s get caught up.  When I last posted, I had just started a workout program with a friend of mine.  We have continued to work out together, and it has continued to be the hardest work I have ever done.  We do ab work, we do push-ups, we do jumping routines.  And then we run.  It is sometimes awful.  I feel like it pulls all my insecurities out and forces me to face them, and I still cry regularly during workouts.  But I am also beginning to notice changes in my body, and that keeps me going.  My leg muscles are stronger, and I can run a mile without stopping.  My arms are getting stronger, and I can do a push-up on my toes instead of my knees.  I don’t have a scale, but I am feeling thinner and my pants fit more loosely.  And I am emotionally stronger as well, after having pushed myself through some of the more intense moments.  When things get tough or intimidating in my life, I have those moments of strength to draw from.  

If you are considering a workout routine, I say, “just do it.”  Go.  Now.  You will never know what you are capable of until you get out there and put yourself to the test.

There are some new developments relating to my prolactinoma as well.  About three weeks ago, I had an endocrinologist’s appointment and had my prolactin levels checked.  My prolactin is at 38.6µg/L, down from 116 in April.  I thought this was great news, but my endocrinologist still wasn’t satisfied.  He wants to see it below 20µg/L, so he had me up my dosage of Bromocriptine to 7.5 mg daily.  Ugh.  Raising the dosage isn’t nearly as bad as beginning the medication, but it still isn’t pleasant.  Mostly, it makes me congested.  I sometimes have trouble sleeping because I can’t breathe through my nose.  And I’m also experiencing hormonal side-effects as well, like irritability and fatigue.  My periods still have not regulated.

I am frustrated with these side-effects of course, but I just have to remind myself that the medication is helping me heal.  I also tell myself that it is only temporary.  I am committed to destroying this tumor entirely, and being off the medication, within a couple of years.  Next steps include: continuing to make my body healthier, researching natural treatments for prolactinomas, and returning to the endocrinologist in Aug. to recheck my prolactin.  

Thank you so much for supporting me on this journey!